Someone had recently asked me “how long did it take for you to connect with Hunter”?
And I’m about to get real with you guys….
I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with Hunter I had complete mixed emotions. (mind you; Tanner wasn’t even 1 yet when we found out) I was happy because I mean, we were expanding our family, I was terrified, because, we were expanding our family LOL no but seriously; the thought of 2 under 2 was a bit frightening. I was also very sad, sad that it would no longer be just me and my girl. I stayed very quite about how I felt, but I was beginning to feel resentful towards my unborn son. I was wondering how the heck could I handle another baby when I’m so in love with Tanner. How could I find time for just her and make sure she knows how much I love her. It was difficult for me to get excited about having him. I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I was but I felt like a horrible mother for having these feelings.
Finally when Hunter was born, of course my heart grew bigger and I instantly fell in love with him. However, I truly did not feel connected to him as quickly as I did Tanner.
When Hunter was just 1 month young, we went to a family bbq and I remember talking to my cousin about feeling the way I did. About how I don’t feel connected to him yet, that I’m just there taking care of this baby and that right now all I felt was just his food source. Its almost as if I didn’t feel like a mother to him, I felt like he was just there to take care of and I happened to be his caretaker. I was still trying to figure out what all of his cries meant. I was still trying to figure out how to make Tanner aware that this baby wasn’t replacing her and making sure I was giving her enough attention. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact of me being a mom of 2 under 2. And I was still dealing with all of the hormones that come with pregnancy that DONT go away!!
Anyways, my cousin is a mother of 3 and I remember her saying that she felt the same way with her second and third and that I shouldn’t worry, that it would happen soon. She told me how normal it was and its ok to feel the way I was feeling.
Even just writing about this I’m saying to my self – people are going to think I’m awful for feeling this way, or for admitting this, but truth be told; it needs to be said. This is real and its how I felt and I won’t lie about it. I always say :: if I’m thinking or feeling something, there has to be at least one other person out there in this huge world that is thinking and feeling the same way :: so if that person is you, don’t worry; you are not alone and this feeling will surely pass.
It wasn’t until at least a little over a month that I felt fully connected to Hunter. I realized that I still had so much one on one time with Tanner and that my heart was in fact big enough to let this little boy in fully. I realized that he wasn’t taking away the love I had for my daughter, but was adding love to my life.
I had bought my self a new wrap to try with Hunter since he was extremely fussy and gassy. One day while I was wearing him I had music on and the song “Boy” by Lee Bryce came on so I started swaying to the music with him. Now I’ve heard this song many times before and teared up each time but this time was different. This time I was sobbing, I was sobbing such happy tears, I was realizing how full my heart was at that very moment all because this tiny human came into my world. I realized how much his sister already loved him, which helped me not be too worried about how she would feel. I realized how much my husband loved us all, and how much more incredible our lives had become since Hunter was born. All in all I realized how amazing my bond already was with this little boy and in that moment I couldn’t be happier. In that moment I knew that the bond I had with Hunter would not effect the bond I had with Tanner and both bonds will continue to grow differently.
In all of these photos I’m wearing the Solly baby wrap. No, this is NOT an ad, however this particular wrap helped me connect with Hunter and I absolutely love it. While wearing him, I feel so close to him; physically and emotionally. Although it took time for me to fully connect with my son, I am so happy and overjoyed with the love I have for my two babes. I couldn’t be more blessed.
As always, thanks for reading ♥